Mortality and Morbidity

Yesterday, I had some difficulty passing motion; and even today I kept running to the toilet a few times, with slight sensation of incomplete voiding. Now, normal people would probably experience these symptoms once in a while and think nothing of it. But when day in day out for the past couple of weeks, you've been talking to patients who presented with these symptoms and have now been diagnosed with some pathology, you can't help but have some morbid thoughts running across your mind. Disclaimer: I am not paranoid, nor am I excessively worried or anything. And now I am perfectly fine, physically at least, maybe with the exception of a slight weight problem :P Just had some thoughts. (:

A couple of weeks ago, during my night call, I witnessed for the first time, a patient dying in hospital, in probably what is the most dramatic thus far. The patient came in vomiting blood. For some absurd reason, he was sent up to a general ward (VS. ICU) even though he was quite hypotensive (i.e. low blood pressure). After some time, he started vomiting blood profusely, and even at one point, started to seize. Imagine a patient with a plastic bag full of fresh blood beside him, and now more blood on his clothes. The on-call team started resuscitation efforts. But at the end, he didn't make it. All this while, his family members were waiting outside, looking worried and praying hard.

I was just thinking. Had the patient known that the last thing he would ever say to his family and loved ones was before he was admitted into the Emergency Department? Had he anything more he would have wanted to tell them? Had his family anything more to tell him?

Was thinking about acute/sudden death (i.e. suddenly collapsing after a marathon, road traffic accident?) VS death due to chronic condition (i.e. cancer). Which would I prefer? For one, maybe an acute death would be less painful, as compared to the seemingly long-term suffering of a chronic condition, where one might perceive himself to be just waiting for time to pass. But if I knew I have a chronic condition, I would be able to plan what I would wanna do for the rest of my limited life.

I wouldn't want to be unable to tell my loved ones that I love them (if I never had before), just because some drunk irresponsible driver ran me over and I died instantly.

Such is the unpredictability of life. Certainly, I know the Hope that awaits me. Just that, just wondering, will I have any regrets should I just pass away the next day? Will I regret not spending sufficient time with my family? Will I regret not telling someone how important he/she is to me? Will I regret not mending ties with certain individuals?

So many potential regrets I can now think of. But will I be able to live my life differently, knowing I may have these regrets?

Anyway, I'm perfectly fine. I guess. Shall go read newspaper and do my 2nd case write-up after that. (: